Two questions to answer

This is a follow up to a recent program I ran for a group of business people at the Curtin Business School Centre for Entrepreneurship. I have changed the names of the participants to ensure privacy.

Well, that was fun and, as always I was stunned by the differences. All right, so you looked like many groups before you:

            Dominated by the SJs (sensing judging)

            Only 4 SPs (sensing perceiving)

            One only NT (intuitive thinker)

            One only NF (intuitive feeler)

But you behaved as group like there were more of the others, the wacky SPs and NFs. Which was why you were able to distract me so easily from my line, my plan, my tasks.

As a consequence, I forgot to answer two important questions posed by Anthony and Phillipa (name changes).

And so I will do my best now, if you will allow me to see it all the way through without further distraction.

Love

Do difference profiles show their love differently? Yes they do.

Let’s use as examples two people we have got to know a little – Jon (ENFP) (no name change) and Hildegard (ISTJ) (name change) . They have been together for over 40 years now and it has not been easy, not for Hildy, who thought she knew what normal was and always thought she would marry it, or Jon, who knew what normal was and never thought he’d marry it.

There was a time in the relationship when Hildy was almost convinced Jon didn’t quite love her, because if he did he would have done the dishes before she got home from work, or made the bed every so often, or not been so untidy around the house.

This was because people with Hildy’s profile generally show their love by Doing. She showed her love by cooking his favourite meal, by ironing his pants, by sorting his side of the wardrobe.

Meanwhile, about the same time, Jon was almost convinced Hildy didn’t quite love him because she sometimes had to be reminded to hug, didn’t surprise him with random gifts and didn’t whisper sweet nothings in his ear.

This was because people with Jon’s profile generally show their love by loving, with sudden romantic outbursts featuring random gifts, weekends away and lots of smooch and sweet in the ear and other parts.

The difference is dramatic and many have expressed wonder at their survival but they have not only lasted, they have flourished, because in difference there is mystery, strength, and fun to be had.

Shifting Profiles

Does a person’s profile change over time? Well, yes, but also no.

The theory is that your profile is fixed but around the middle of your life, as though tired and exhausted by being yourself, you tend to explore your other sides, or preferences.

This is good and puts you on a path towards what Carl Jung called individuation, or wholeness, completeness. And you can only be complete when you are able to operate in all preferences.

And now let’s take Hildy again, because she is not, after all, an ISTJ. She is, in fact, an ISFJ.

How did we come to this and after so many years?

Hildy was first profiled in the late 1990s, primarily by questionnaire. About ten years ago, after I began using a different questionnaire, she completed another form and came out ISFJ.

We discussed this seeming shift for two weeks and she came to the realisation that she had always been an ISFJ, but had taken on the toughness of the more rational, and more masculine, T, in order to protect herself from a difficult father.

And to help her protect her mother from the same man.

What did this mean to us? It meant that instead of Hildy giving herself a hard time over what she had perceived as a weakness, she was able to embrace her emotional self and see it as a strength.

And, of course, we have lived even more happily ever since.

Snippets from this website
http://www.preludecharacteranalysis.com/types/istj/vs/isfj

ISTJ

Detached and factual ISTJs often find it difficult to deal with emotions as they see this as irrational and when others display emotions they have to translate the emotion into factual language that they can understand.

Deep and private ISTJs will tend to keep their feelings to themselves and until they have the measure of people will be unlikely to proactively share their feelings. Too much interaction sucks their energies.

ISFJ

The ISFJ is an emotional type, but may struggle at times to deal with these, as they are so private and reflective. It may be possible to deeply offend an ISFJ and not realise it, so private are they.

Once allowed close the ISFJ will open up but it will take time and they are not naturally forthcoming. This may mean it emerges in small chunks, often off the back of other conversations.